The "Oprah House" and Other Reasons Why Madame Winfrey Makes Me Cranky

Maybe you've heard ... Oprah is coming to AUSTRALIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you know me at all, I'm sure you can detect the cynicism in my keystrokes.

In general, I try not to think about Oprah much; and when I am forced to, I feel primarily a sense of mild annoyance at her perky-tell-you-all-how-to-think/read/dress/vote/shop-through-my-chirpy-folksy-media-conglomerate-ness. I did forgive her for a minute when she ordered America to read One Hundred Years of Solitude, followed by The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter – two of my most beloved books.  Mostly, I have what I consider a stale truce with Oprah. (Oprah, of course, is quite concerned with the state of our diplomatic relations). 

A couple weeks ago, I did have an anxiety dream about Oprah's arrival in AUSTRALIAAAAA. I don’t recall exactly how it went down, but the overriding event was that my entire city was shut down and non-functional, as it filled with La O and literally millions of middle aged women in bright track suits. I had important business, and I could not get anywhere or do anything. John Travolta and his stupid plane were parked on the Opera House forecourt and, for some reason, the plane itself was about the size of Circular Quay, so no one could get anywhere.

Well, my subconscious may have been onto something - hyperbolic, though it may be.

Oprah's screaming fans arrive in Sydney today and, based on this TV clip, are not all wearing track suits, but are doing nothing else to make themselves look any less ridiculous than my dream suggested they would be.

 "Oprah House?" Really, news media? Really?

News reports suggest that Oprah's visit is going to shut down the city on a larger scale than even a Presidential or royal visit. From this article in the Sydney Morning Herald: 

What is known is that when she appears in Sydney on December 14 to record two shows at the ''Oprah House'', access to the surrounding area will be blocked, as bus schedules are altered, special event clearways introduced and a maritime exclusion zone imposed.

Some Sydneysiders have complained that the measures resemble the ''lockdown'' put in place for the week-long meeting of APEC politicians in 2007. That may be an exaggeration, but comparisons between Winfrey's visit and those of heads of state and church are not so far-fetched.

From my own experience of such visits, including those of Princess Diana, Prince Charles, Margaret Thatcher, presidents Clinton and George Bush, and the Pope, I'd agree that none was so tightly-controlled, so stage-managed as Winfrey.

My subconscious is looking more and more right. I  suppose, even more than the disruption to the city (which is seriously annoying) or the fact that the taxpayers are footing most of the bill, I have a knot in my stomach that this visit is going to do nothing but heighten stereotypes about Americans that we have to confront all the time. At first, I was getting a great kick out of The Australian's coverage of Oprah, which seemed determined to feign a journalistic approach while knocking her down in true "Tallest Poppy Syndrome" style. But today's article, "Oprah Circus Takes No Chances," includes the following maddening assessment: 

A long list of rules laid down by the chat queen's company, Harpo Productions, perhaps reflects what she expects from an average studio audience in America, where guns are popular and miniature dogs have become handbag accessories.

Oh my mercy ... I don't know if there was maybe a very special holiday episode of Cops with Paris Hilton that I recently missed, but how absurd. 

Oprah, you honestly seem like a nice enough lady, and if you gave me a neeeewwwwww caaaaarrrrr, I'd be pretty stoked; but, when it comes to your presence in Australia, my dream-life and I will be happier when you and your masses go home.  

And, America, send Ira Glass next time.